I have been pushing and pushing and pushing and trying and trying and trying to push away reality. Or maybe its not reality, I don’t really know what it is exactly. Its more of a notion I guess, or an idea really about what I want to do with my life. But for whatever reason I just feel like it isn’t good enough. No that’s not true not that it isn’t good enough but rather that it is not actually what I want.
I’m a fairly confident person so I don’t often care what people think at least in the sense of whether or not they like me, I am extremely competitive though so I do want them to be impressed by me. But anyways what I mean to say is that I’m usually fairly confident but for some reason, when it comes to this life decision about what I want to do with my life, as much as I know it is my decision I still feel extremely self conscience that it is the wrong decision, or that my parents don’t approve, or that I won’t make enough money to support my family, blah, blah, blah.
The truth is over and over and over again I am reaffirmed that it is the right path for me, at least at the moment— I understand that life is crooked path and you can’t truly plan your future but I can at least give it a nudge in one direction for now and see where that takes me. The more I try to push away my desire to work in the Jewish communal world the more it comes back and hits me in the face. I feel extremely strongly about the need to find a job that I will enjoy. I basically am looking to be a workaholic. Not in the sense that I won’t spend time with my family or friends but rather the idea that my work will be something I am so passionate about that it will always be on my mind. Okay, I know that sounds like a workaholic… but I don’t see it that way because if I am passionate about the work it will only make me a better “worker” and besides anyone who knows me knows I am nothing if not passionate, I’m practically passionate to a fault. So anyways what I mean is that, I want to be excited about my job, about the work I am doing, about the impact I am having.
Impact, I like that word a lot. I can say things like I want to find my true purpose or make a difference, and yes that is all true as well but in reality it all comes down to the impact you can have on another human being. There are a lot of problems in this world and I often struggle with why I chose Judaism as my “problem”. Obviously I don’t actually mean problem, but I don’t know if there is any word to describe it. I mean there is disease, and failing education systems, and war, etc. and yet for some reason the Jewish thing is what I have most connected to. Honestly I can’t explain it, I mean there are so many important things in the world to care about and yet above all my focus is always Jewish, not that I don’t care about and think other things are important it is just that my passion lies in the all encompassing Jewishness.
I’m not exactly sure where this post is going or how it even started I guess I have just been feeling these pent up anxieties about the future and what is going to happen after this last year of college. I think its a good thing that I go back and forth on my feelings because it means that I am forcing myself to be critical and be exposed to life outside the Jewish bubble, but in reality I never stray very far. Who knows maybe Jewish communal work isn’t for me, but I can’t know until I try. I need to stop stressing and start enjoying. I could not be more excited for this year to come, who am I kidding Shabbat 500 is almost a year away and yet it is constantly on my mind, more then anything else I always put the Jewish things first.
Please excuse the complete lack of organization and possible grammatical and spelling errors. This was total stream of consciousness writing and I think that is where the beauty lies.